Wednesday, April 4, 2012
I started reading this book because one of my friends had read it and posted that she liked it on Goodreads. I was hesitant to read it because of the title "Marry Him The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough." I actually have really liked the book and was just reading more of it and realized I wanted to post a few excerpts here.
This is from the section that talks about arranged marriages vs western culture's idea of love. Pretty insightful...
First paragraph that stood out to me:
" Our families met each other," she explained, "and they thought it was a compatible match in terms of expectations. They decided we could proceed. So my husband and I met, and we liked each other. We agreed on basic values and what you expect from life. Physical appearances matter--i thought, yeah, he looks cute. But he didn't have to be gorgeous. It seemed realistic and possible. So I said, sure."
In arranged marriages, the husband question is easier to answer. Your parents are looking for someone to provide contented companionship, children (if you both want them), and the infrastructure for family life. They want someone with qualities like integrity, humility, ambition, and generosity--the things that are going to matter. If a guy can read your mind but he can't hold a job, or if he's incredibly funny but doesn't call when he says he will, is that the kind of guy you want to marry?
"I know---you want him to read your mind and hold a job, to be funny and reliable. But do you want a husband or someone who practices telepathy? Do you want the life of the party or a guy you can count on?
As Seth writes in her book, husbands are life partners, not life savers. A full 50 percent of marital satisfaction is up to you, but many women dating today don't see it that way."
"You love someone by honoring them, cherishing them, caring for them," he said, but to Americans, love seems to be only a noun: "You feel this exogenous wonderful passion. It's this absurd and uncomfortable and irrational and floaty feeling that almost feels like it chose you."
His point was that if you have everything you need in a relationship, but you're just not feeling it anymore, maybe you're focusing too much on whether you're in love (the noun) and not making enough of an effort to love (the verb)your partner. There's an aspect of love (the verb) that's a choice.
Vora feels that you need both the noun and verb, but, as he put it, what we tend to forget is this: "The verb can create the noun and the noun can inspire the verb."
This book doesn't just talk about arranged marriages, this is just the chapter I was reading when I saw values that matter to me, so it hit home. That is why I posted these sections.
Seriously though CHAPTER 21 IS GREAT --> DUMP THE LIST, NOT THE GUY. Especially page 270. Classic